I think I’ve been rushing for nearly eight months now.
Whenever I’ve had a moment to myself–which was rare–I tried to do whatever task that needed doing as fast as humanly possible. It was efficient but it was exhausting. And, man, try to hurry up the muses and see what you can create. My muse really never comes when I scream for it to ARRIVE NOW! It just doesn’t work that way. She takes her sweet time, just like any woman worth her salt should.
But now Charlee starts the night in her crib. And here I am–with this luxury of time. It’s incredible. Motherhood has become something that, put plainly, just doesn’t feel so hard now. Not when I know that, every night, this happens. Time to myself. And then when the morning comes, I can’t tell you how happy I am to see that little person who needs me so much. We see each other’s faces and the world becomes right.
Today there was a hail storm. Yes, that’s right. But considering, it’s Boston, I suppose I should be grateful it wasn’t a blizzard. JUST a hail storm. I am not sure what August is up to, but if today is any indication, she’s a live one. The storm was glorious with lightning touching the earth and the sky swallowed in dark clouds. We watched it from the window, my little family and I, and for the first time since Luna was seven weeks old, I heard her cry from fear.
(Don’t worry, I gave her a treat and that stopped the crying immediately.)
But after that storm! That’s when the magic got a little brighter. The sky was bright again and the air carried just the right amount of breeze to make you realize that every breath is a gift. TJ went on a run, so I took the girls on a walk. We walked further than I had intended to–that was how perfect it was outside. We walked all the way to Whole Foods, where I suspected TJ’s run had concluded.
I was right. We stood waiting for him by the exit, and five minutes later, he sauntered out. His is another face that makes my world right. We were all happy to see each other and we made the walk back home together. And it was one of those seemingly ordinary moments that are made extraordinary by the realization of what it took to get there. I haven’t always felt so full in my heart; I haven’t always had so much to lose. It’s scary and it’s beautiful and every night I have spent crying over what I have lost was a cost that is worth it a thousand times over.
Worth THIS a thousand times over.
I am going to bed grateful tonight; I hope I remember this when first light hits me and all the rush of the day makes me think that I am somehow behind. I am not. I am here, and here is so good.