Jessica Latshaw

musician. writer. dancer.

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A painful conversation at tonight’s open mic.

Posted By on May 7, 2013 in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings | 14 comments

A guy sits down next to me. Slides in close, and so I’m ready for a conversation. So far, everyone I’ve spoken with has said really kind things about my performance. I never mind those kinds of conversations, to be honest.

Guy: “Hi,” he says with a smile, “I’m Ryan.”
(Or Tyler or Mason or Jordan or Evan or Insert Any Kind Of Cool Male Name That Hasn’t Been Unusual For Ten Years Now)
Me: “I’m Jessica.”
(I know, Jessica. I’ve no room to talk)
I return the smile. We shake hands. Someone is singing their little heart out in the background.
Guy: “You’re on your phone a lot.


Me, not quite sure what to say: “Yes…”
Guy: “I mean, A LOT.
Me: “And have you come here to rebuke me?”

I mean this honestly; suddenly, I have no idea why this guy has sat down so close to me, and I’m uncomfortable.

Guy: “No, I just noticed it…”
Me: “…Uh-huh…”
Guy: “I don’t mean to be…”
Me: “We have free speech.”

*Second round of silence cause the first one was so fun!*

Guy: “I guess you’re doing a lot? On your phone?”

My body language says IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

But I say: “I am.

*the silence is on a roll!*

Guy, ending the latest silence with: “I’m really not trying to be an asshole…”
Me: “I’m sorry if I distracted you.”
Guy: “No! It’s not that…it’s just well, I guess I noticed and thought to say it just because, well, see, I’ve been staring at you all night.”
Me: “Oh.”

Finally, the guy leaves.
But not until he tells me that I remind him of a cross between Anni deFranco and The Spice Girls.


My friends, I think what I’ve just described to you here is quite possibly one of the worst pickup attempts ever.


  1. RTF May 7, 2013

    This wasn’t very nice. At least he was trying. You’ll never understand the ridiculous amount of bravery it takes for a guy to hit on a pretty girl, especially one who is clearly out of his league (and one who he is obviously smitten with). And trust me when I tell you that he probably walked away from this encounter feeling like an abject failure. Hopefully he didn’t google you and end up reading your account of it. And “Ryan, if you are reading this, then GOOD FOR YOU! Just maybe don’t compare someone to The Spice Girls again. That is all.

    • jessica May 7, 2013

      I never said I was out of his league. It was an awkward situation, Rob. I find it funny to describe awkward situations. And if he was trying to hit on me (still not sure), then just telling me I’m on my phone too much is a very uncomfortable and strange way to do it.

      I like to describe scenes and write about my life. It’s very encouraging that people come here and read it, and I’m grateful for that. But, what I wrote wasn’t really “nice” or “mean;” at least, neither of those rigid descriptions fit my motive. It was a few descriptive paragraphs. It was what happened. And it was perhaps a little funny. Nothing more.

      • RTF May 7, 2013

        He was definitely hitting on you. Maybe I was wrong but I read it as you were making fun of him. That’s why I said it wasn’t nice. I guess it just rubbed me the wrong way. Sorry. On the plus side, when you become a published writer you’ll already be used to undeserving criticism. You can thank me later:)

  2. Mandy May 7, 2013

    Oh SHEESH. He should have also mentioned that your’e really very tall, I mean, wow, what a TALL GIRL! And oh yeah, did you know you also look Russian?

    • jessica May 8, 2013

      haha yeah, unfortunately, he didn’t hit all the talking points! 😉

  3. peaj May 7, 2013

    I think he was hitting on you, you just didn’t follow his imagined script. I think he meant it to go something like this:

    Guy: “Hi, I’m Ryan.” (smile)
    Girl: “I’m Jessica.” (smile)
    Guy: “You’re on your phone a lot.”
    Girl: (laughs) “Oh, really? I guess I am. I just have a lot of friends that I like to keep up with.”
    Guy: Some compliment

    Poor Ryan.

    • jessica May 8, 2013

      Don’t feel sorry for him–he really seemed like he had a fun night–I’m sure he’s just fine, even after our awkward conversation:)

  4. jason May 7, 2013

    I’m always amazed at this idea that a girl owes some random stranger that likes to stare at her anything at all. Please, Ryan didn’t deserve some kind of hero’s welcome for hitting on a girl. It’s creepy that he stared at someone all night. Woman are not possessions, they are people who deserve their space. They are not obligated to act like they enjoy any random man’s company, especially when that man does nothing but borderline insult them.

    • jessica May 8, 2013

      Exactly. And thank you.

  5. Jennifer May 7, 2013

    Jason, I’m so glad Jessica has you for a brother.

    • jessica May 8, 2013

      I am, too!! 🙂

  6. Sare May 8, 2013

    So true what Jason said!!

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