A guy sits down next to me. Slides in close, and so I’m ready for a conversation. So far, everyone I’ve spoken with has said really kind things about my performance. I never mind those kinds of conversations, to be honest.
Guy: “Hi,” he says with a smile, “I’m Ryan.”
(Or Tyler or Mason or Jordan or Evan or Insert Any Kind Of Cool Male Name That Hasn’t Been Unusual For Ten Years Now)
Me: “I’m Jessica.”
(I know, Jessica. I’ve no room to talk)
I return the smile. We shake hands. Someone is singing their little heart out in the background.
Guy: “You’re on your phone a lot.
Me, not quite sure what to say: “Yes…”
Guy: “I mean, A LOT.
Me: “And have you come here to rebuke me?”
I mean this honestly; suddenly, I have no idea why this guy has sat down so close to me, and I’m uncomfortable.
Guy: “No, I just noticed it…”
Guy: “I don’t mean to be…”
Me: “We have free speech.”
*Second round of silence cause the first one was so fun!*
Guy: “I guess you’re doing a lot? On your phone?”
My body language says IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
But I say: “I am.
*the silence is on a roll!*
Guy, ending the latest silence with: “I’m really not trying to be an asshole…”
Me: “I’m sorry if I distracted you.”
Guy: “No! It’s not that…it’s just well, I guess I noticed and thought to say it just because, well, see, I’ve been staring at you all night.”
Finally, the guy leaves.
But not until he tells me that I remind him of a cross between Anni deFranco and The Spice Girls.
THE SPICE GIRLS.
My friends, I think what I’ve just described to you here is quite possibly one of the worst pickup attempts ever.