Today I woke up feeling inexplicably better.
I haven’t been lately, you know. Feeling better, I mean. What I have been feeling is just like the littlest victim that could. And what could I do? Fall prey to every sad and dark thought that came my way. Oh, and I was doing it so well, too. Really.
But then today it was like I remembered that I have choices. And the fact that I am autonomous; that, actually, I am choosing things every moment, whether I realize it or not. And the fact is, I have to think something. So I might as well choose some thoughts that ring of the truth and that fill me with hope, right?
Oh man, but it’s a battle. My brother Jase reminded me the other day that it’s always a battle between faith and fear and yes, it’s true. And I could wish for something easy every day of my life, but then the result of that might not be so valuable because we tend to hold precious what we work hard to gain.
And also: grace.
I don’t quite get what it is, but I sure like the word a whole lot. And I think it has something to do with the way I am so very alive and so very loved and haven’t done really anything to deserve this. I think it has something to do with the way I can make things and sing songs and help friends and I haven’t done anything to deserve that, either.
So between our ability to make good choices and God’s ability to give us things that we could never earn anyway, I am not sure what I can justifiably complain of right now.
I suppose I could list a few disappointments, but really? They don’t compare to the real and lasting things that are filling my heart up.
But I should go, I think. I have to teach pilates in five and a half hours and I need to go to sleep and wake up between now and then. Which is why I say good night and good morning and good good good because it is.
It really is.
Even when it feels like anything but, it is; dear god, help me to see this.
You and I are in the same place again! Glad you are feeling better! I pray the same prayer for myself my friend. Much Love!
thanks, JR–and yes, I think we could both use this prayer over and over again, huh? but aren’t you glad that we have the courage to go for what we want, rather than settle for something that’s not exactly the stuff dreams are made of, even if it is predictable?
I’m glad you’re feeling good. It really is chutes and ladders isn’t it??
this is very true. that’s why you cannot let your identity get too attached to what it is you are doing in terms of a job or whatever…cause it can rise and fall like that, but you are who you are no matter what (which is why you better make sure you like who you are!).