So my friend, Shane–I’ve got him to thank for my most recent problem.
And no, it has nothing to do with eating shroom sandwiches and saying something that may or not sound inappropriate, to the entertainment of nearby fisherman.
But it has everything to do with small creatures of the many-legged variety.
Because, see, the other day I was taking a shower, minding my own business, when a huge bug jumped from above and landed with a thwack! right on my thigh. And whoa, that was very surprising. And ordinarily, I would have ended him. I mean, in situations when it feels like self-defense, I have always held fast to a no holds barred policy.
Until Shane sent me this certain youtube video.
It’s actually great. About this boy who’s afraid of a spider that makes a bedtime appearance in his room and then the boy calls his father to come kill it for him. But the father reminds him in a nice song and a dance that he isn’t the center of the universe and then–well, this was the clincher for me: IT SHOWED THE SPIDER AT HOME, SURROUNDED BY ALL HIS SPIDER CHILDREN. AND THEY WERE PRAYING, FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE. And long and wonderful story short, the spider lives. The boy goes to sleep. And the boy’s father goes back to bed. Well, I assume, anyway. It didn’t actually show the father in bed. Which was just fine with me.
And so there I was, literally being dive bombed by some kind of bug that must have read something about those kamukazi pilots in WWII, when all I could think about was that spider. And how he was praying. And how I should probably let this bug go home to say bedtime prayers with his bug kiddos too. And yes, I did remove the bug from my leg, thank you–the video said nothing about not, at the very least, moving them when they are attached to one of your limbs, thank God–but then I just proceeded to shower with the thing.
But you better believe I kept a close eye on him the whole time.
And then what did I get for my efforts?
The very next day, I saw the bug. Still in the bathtub. Probably having realized that since we showered together and everything, we’re pretty close now; that I wouldn’t mind having him around after that. In fact, I was a little surprised not to see his toothbrush next to mine by the faucet. And pretty grateful not to find all his little bug socks in my sock drawer.
But I didn’t bother him.
Cause remember? SPIDERS PRAYING. WITH THEIR YOUNG UNS.
And right, I’m not the center of the whole universe. Which apparently means that I take showers with large bugs, upon occasion.
But then I went to fill up my bathtub today, and I guess the word is out. Attention: all creatures large and small, Jessica Latshaw is absolutely defenseless against you now. Oh, and we owe our lives to that video on youtube. The prayer scene was brills. High-five, Shane.
Because there was a spider staring right back at me. Of course. And when spiders stare, they mean it. What with every one of those eyes that cover their bodies. And nope, I couldn’t kill it. So I went the humane route and grabbed a nearby bottle of lotion and tried to convince the spider to stand on it while I transported him to a new place. One in which he can just as easily hide and wait for his next unsuspecting human to catch a glimpse of him.
And hopefully for his sake, that human will have seen the praying spiders too.
And after many many tries (which wasn’t annoying at all, because it’s not like I have anything better to do than coax a spider onto a bottle of lotion. It’s not like I would maybe even just as soon vacuum than do that. Well now wait, let’s not be crazy), I finally did get him to stay on the bottle. And he had only belayed down his spider thread a few inches by the time I placed him in the bedroom opposite from mine and firmly shut the door behind him. The empty bedroom opposite mine, I should specify.
Except, I guess it’s not empty anymore.
I hope, anyway.
So there you go, thanks to Shane and that video, I am trying not to kill creatures. Well, or people. But it’s not like the latter is a very difficult policy to abide by.
And now I am sure you are all thinking, Good to know.
Which is what the bugs and spiders are thinking too, as they continue to make their plans to move in with me.
Haha, Ollie would be very glad to hear this. He’s got a strict no bug killing policy. Except for flies. Not sure why they’re the exception but they are.
Oh and the empty bedroom? The one the kids sleep in when we visit? That one?
Well I’m glad Ollie will approve. I wouldn’t wanna do anything to jeopardize my chance at getting more midnight kitheth when I go out there in June…
And yes, that bedroom…oops..!
and poor flies–they probably wonder why they don’t count as creatures not to be killed!
Would it have been THAT hard to walk a slightly longer distance in the opposite direction from the bathroom and put the spider in the Strider / Arwen suite?!
Yep. It woulda been THAT hard.
This IS funny stuff, as advertised in your categories! I have to say, though, everything is fair game in the bathroom and my bed (except ladybugs). I try to take them outside every where else.
That’s how I used to be–if the bugs/spiders were inside, then unfortunately for them, they were considered trespassers and would be considered as such…but now–well you read the post–we’re trying to get along;-)
I guess you got to take the spiders with the butterflies.
Found a poem for you:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/554943-The-Spider-in-My-Cider
that is a good point!
and that poem is adorable–thank you:)
How about applying “the just war” theory to bugs? I don’t fully agree with the “just war” theory, but I thought you did—if the bug has a bad intention, then you have the right to defend yourself. I do have a “just war” attitude towards bugs. Hence, I have declared war on all stink bugs in our home. And we’re winning!
Mom–you really think we’re winning against those stink bugs? I’m not so sure…!!
Half of the key to winning the battle is your mental attitude. If you don’t believe that you are winning, then you are right.
And if the stink bugs are EVERWHERE then, you might be right about losing the battle too…
I have an uneasy but holding summer truce with wasps and carpenter bees around my house: I don’t attack their homes, and they don’t attack me. So far it works, though the occasional bee sentinel seems intentionally menacing, with it’s Stars Wars remote-like behavior or hovering/moving/hovering/moving.
Someone told me recently that carpenter bees somehow know to stay just out of range of any light-sabre kind of swatter humans may wield. I don’t believe it.
Stink bugs are another matter altogether. I never hurt or crush them (that would backfire for obvious reasons), but I do gleefully vacuum literally dozens at a time from my bedroom windows and walls on a twice-a-day basis.
Ants are neither friend nor foe. But when about a hundred of them swarm my kitchen sink, it is time for action.
Who tolerates ants?
Yeah–ants. They might be a difficult temptation for me…I definitely don’t like tons of them swarming, as they can sometimes do in the summer…and pop, me and the boys used to have the mist epic wars against the wasps every summer–the “armor” we’d wear to fight them must have looked ridiculous! Haha
Clearly you don’t have fire ants like we do in Texas. The red ones. They sting the crap out of you. They’re awful. I’ll kill those even before they attack. I KNOW.
preemptive (sp?) strike, huh?
so, are fire ants basically counted as terrorists in TX?
YES. That is EXACTLY what they are.
giving a bug a high-five would be interesting, because they have a lot more appendages.
and you might end up taking out one of those appendages if you weren’t careful with your high-five, too.
p.s.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms2klX-puUU
oh thanks for the link–I should have done that in the first place!
Ahhhhhhhh!!!! No. NO. Nonononoooooo. I guess it’s good they’re praying. Because they had better be praying to be in YOUR house, not mine, because I am TOTALLY ON BOARD with your mom’s “just war” policy. Because I’m okay with killing anything in self defense. That is… anything smaller than a gecko. Because I’m squeemish.
OH I know about you and geckos–but wait, you DON’T kill them? I thought you hated them more than anything else; that, if given the choice to face the devil himself or a gecko, you’d choose the latter…
Wait we have two pet Geckos – they’re awesome creatures!
How big are they? These are the kinds in my house. They’re translucent and super-freaky. http://jackandmandy.blogspot.com/2009/08/pervert-in-my-shower.html
They’re probably about 8 and 12 inches long. I think the one in your shower actually looks cute!
One of ours looks like this and the other like this.
Dude. That’s because it wasn’t your peeping gecko.
AND. Oh my cow. The one with its tongue out is absolutely terrifying.
That is true. But no, I don’t kill them. Can’t bring myself to. They’re all crunchy. Ew. We catch them and put them outside (preferably far from the house).
But I will admit that my roommate and I once sprayed one with Raid in our apartment because we didn’t know what else to do. It didn’t stop it. But I do feel bad about that one, because I’m guessing that was a slow death.
Ugh. Yeah, that’s pretty bad…poor little guy…:/
Yeah, I won’t ever do that again. Perhaps they’re just immune to Raid.
We can hope.
Jess, you could probably bring the creatures outside. I mean, that’s probably where their families are
this is another good point, but that would mean a lot more traveling…and who wants to jump out of the shower naked and dripping wet to transport a bug outside???