I have a friend who once told me that he was thinking about Jesus a lot. I asked him what it was that he was thinking, and he told me that he liked to think about the things Jesus did on earth. The practical things. Like eat strawberries. He said that he wondered if Jesus ate strawberries while he was here.
And I don’t know if Jesus preferred figs or strawberries, or if he could even choose when it came down to it cause maybe both were his favorite, but I know it’s good to wonder about God. I think it’s a good thing to ask questions.
And lately I’ve been wondering how God balances joy with sadness. How he manages to keep them from being mutually exclusive. I don’t quite understand how he can see the whole world, all the messes we make and promise to never make again and then go and make just once more this time, seriously, while still being confident in the way good will conquer evil.
And I’m tired of bad news. But I’m even more tired of it stealing something from me. Like today, for instance. It had been going lovely. I auditioned and it went well–aside from accidentally setting off the fire alarm–and well, I was wearing my yellow pants. I also ate one of my favorite things: an almond pretzel from Auntie Annes. I was listening to some songs that I am currently obsessed with and so the drive back from Trenton didn’t feel so long.
And then I got home to bad news. Really bad, dumb news. The kind of news that I thought was behind me; the kind of falsity that I thought I was DONE FINDING OUT. Oh, but just kidding. And then I was angry. And then I was sick inside. And then I was like, Where’s my day? Because even the sun had hidden itself behind the gathering storm and I looked at the sky and thought, You too?
And I know, it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to feel sick. But I didn’t want my day stolen, you know? So I did what I do a lot of lately. I went running outside and I talked to God and I talked to myself and between those two conversations I started to feel better. And at one point I came across a chubby little groundhog and laughed because I couldn’t tell which one of us was more surprised by the incident. And that felt good. Laughing, I mean–not necessarily scaring a groundhog.
And maybe there is a part of me–something that feels so small it’s hard to miss at times–that is so deeply me, that no thief can steal it. It’s where my thoughts and my spirit and the way I reach though I might not even be moving at all meet. And maybe it’s strong, but maybe it’s just like saying oh, that color is so purple; because it’s either purple or not and I’m either me or not; whether bad news comes or whether I am startling a groundhog or setting off fire alarms or wearing yellow pants or crying because look, I slept a whole night and woke up to a life that still looks like this.
And so, that small part that is still me, no matter what? Well I think that God is all that part. And yeah, I do think he probably likes strawberries too. But I think that he is all himself all the time; that nothing can change that, and that’s part of the way he can balance such evident tragedy with true joy. Somehow he’s not dependent on what’s happening around him, though he cares, I do believe; somehow the ebb and flow of life can’t steal from him.
And I think I need more of that.
And I am grateful that someone, even if it’s not me all the time, is that way. Because I need to know it’s happening. Like that cheesy little sign you see in bars: it’s five o’clock somewhere, I like to think that someone is consistently joyful somewhere. That someone, somewhere, isn’t shaken by this.
And now I need to sleep.
Badly.
I’ve been up too long today as it is.
Some day these aftershocks will end. I’m so sorry they haven’t completely stopped. It’s weird, the way you can still see a star long after it’s died because the light hasn’t yet reached you across all that distance – even though you’re officially cut off there are these phantom connections that will try to bully you for a while.
But I know you won’t let them.
And LOL at the groundhog.
yeah, that groundhog was good. And he was so chubby that he couldn’t make it up the hill and away from me as fast as I could tell he wanted to. And I am really trying not to let these effects bully me–and thank God they are getting less and less powerful in my life.
Jess..im so sorry for the bad news..i agree with Jason..i know you won’t let them bully you, either. and i am here if you need anything..im glad that you went for a run and talked to God and felt better and im so glad you saw that chubby groundhog.:) i am amazed by how you still see joy in things, even in the midst of your pain. i admire you so much..
thanks, sare. And ugh, some of this stuff really does suck–but there is so much beauty in life that I know, despite everything, it’s gonna be okay:)
Jess – first of all, did the yellow pants SET OFF the fire alarm? Because if so, that’s hysterical.
Second, I have a thought about God for you (à la small group
). I agree that God is always joyful on some level. But I also believe that he’s not enjoying what’s been happening to you at all. I don’t think he’s just sitting their in some “out of touch with reality” state with this big smile on his face. I think Jesus cries the tears you cry and feels the pain you feel—on some deeper level than even you feel. I know you know this, but I just wanted to write it. I think that’s what’s amazing about God (among other things!) that he joins us in our pain. AND I believe what has transpired in your life has saddened him greatly. This is not what he wanted looking upon his daughter’s life. HOWEVER, the most amazing thing about God (in my humble opinion) is his uncanny ability to bring good out of bad. He loves you too much to just leave you in your pain and tears, and I believe you’ve been experiencing that redemptive power in force lately.
Sorry to get all “pastory” on you.
haha christian–it does look like that from how I worded it, huh? How hilarious. Like apparently my pants are so bright, they were mistaken for a fire!!! But no, I set it off by trying to go in a stairwell to sing through my song. Oops.
And yes, I do agree with you and it is good to hear. God isn’t oblivious to what happens and hates the wrong doing in our lives. And lives in the present with me–knowing what I’m going through–but also encourages me by bringing good despite what others have planned.
And don’t ever apologize for writing such an encouraging comment;-)
Bad News. I’m tired so I’m SURE you must be. It’s like the aftershocks that come after an earthquake. And because there’s already been trauma, these aftershocks seem just as shocking. I want there to be an end to this bad time for you. A fully new beginning. May God give that to you. Your attitude is amazing!
thanks, mom. Yeah–an end to this season is definitely drawing near, if not already here. It might be like when a war has ended but not everyone gets the memo and so there are still some skirmishes that break out. I’d like everyone to get the memo, though; that’d be nice.
Three words….you are inspiring. Followed by three more…you are loved. Hang onto the good things, forget the crap… cause you’re way better than the crap, and deserve far better. We all reap what we sow…and I’m still willing to break things for you…
My heart breaks for you, but I know you will weather these storms with the grace and strength God has granted you, because you have decided to trust in him. And don’t worry if you get tired, cause there’s lots of people to hold you up… 
You’re awesome..anyone says different, you just let me know…and you can guess the rest I think… 
J-9. YOU are awesome. What a beautiful and inspiring and encouraging comment to read at 12:47 at night…thank you, my friend; thank you so much.
Well, hello, completely lovely blog post. I enjoyed you quite a bit.
well, hello, completely lovely commenter. I enjoy you on the regular. Which sounds kind of weird. LEt me rephrase that: I totally dig who you are and wish I lived closer to you.
I very much wish you did as well. Mayhaps we can meet in the middle sometime… where is that, after all?
considering I suck at geography, lemme guess anyway: the state that I am guessing lands in between TX and PA would be…um…Tenessee???
I HAVE NO IDEA!!! haha
anyone wanna try to help figure this out?
Ooo I like Tennessee!!