It’s probably a good thing that you didn’t spend much time with me today.
If you had, I might have told you that I don’t get your metaphor.
Which is what I said to my pop tonight, and then immediately regretted it. Because, see, I did get it. It was something about a snake and youth and I did understand it, I was just being difficult. Which I can be sometimes.
I know, shocker.
Oh, and I made dinner tonight. Chicken pot pie, macaroni and cheese with stewed tomatoes (it sounds weird, but it’s actually quite delicious–and this from a girl who doesn’t even like tomatoes), salad, and a loaf of bread. But don’t get all impressed, because I didn’t actually bake that bread. Still, if that doesn’t sound like a lot of comfort food, I don’t know what does.
And I feel a little jumpy inside or something. Like peace is a good idea, but could someone please explain it to me one more time? Because I don’t remember how it’s supposed to go. It’s a melody that I used to have memorized but now the intervals escape me, and oh well, maybe I’ll just sing a good break up song, anyway.
But, breaking up.
I like the sound of that a whole lot more than divorce. And I’m sorry to keep bringing this up, but it’s sort of a big deal for me. And I know I am not the center of the universe–that there is a fabulous cast of others who play out their own stories, rise and fall with their own victories and tragedies–but, wait. Stop. Because isn’t that a relief? What if you got to the end of your days here and looked around and it was just you? Maybe you’d be okay with that, but after a while, I’d like to play my songs for someone–anyone!–else.
And then–the birthdays. Could you imagine? All that pressure to make yourself feel special. To surprise yourself. To cook yourself breakfast while allowing yourself to sleep in on your freaking birthday. It’d be a mess, I tell you.
And you’d never again be surprised by the feel of the emotions playing strongly across your own heart reflected in someone else’s song; never again hear the funniest twist of words coming from someone else’s mouth and laugh till you can hardly imagine how you’re managing to stay alive, it’s been that long since you were last able to breathe.
So yes, I am grateful that many people share this earth with me.
And another thing, though I have the feeling that I was trying to make an altogether different point before I started imagining a life lived solo. But I’ll get to it. I think, anyway.
But I remember once someone told me that they wish they were omniscient. Like God, I suppose. They expected me to reciprocate, but I immediately hated the idea. Because first of all, it’s confusing, anyway. What with all of us having this ability to choose right or left, this guy or that girl, but if we can really choose that, no strings attached, how can God know everything? As in, how can God know what we’re going to choose? And if he doesn’t, how does that limit his omniscience?
I don’t know.
And I am glad that I don’t know everything. Happy to leave all the difficult answers to someone else, I guess; but I’m interested in the questions, though, for sure.
But what was I saying before all this? Oh yes, I hate the word Divorce. Can you blame me? That v that cuts right in the middle is a real downer, I guess. Nothing against v’s, though; my own sister’s middle name is Veronica, which is quite lovely.
So I told this to a friend tonight. I said, I don’t think I’d mind it so terribly if I could just say that we broke up–instead of that other word.
And he said something so simple and refreshing.
Then say that. You did; you broke up. Just say it like that, if that’s what makes you feel better right now.
So, yeah.
I broke up with someone five months ago. That’s pretty normal. A lot of people do that, you know.
Oh, and just to be clear: I’m grateful to share this world with others. And right, I don’t want to know everything. Not now, anyway–maybe not ever.
And I did get that metaphor, pop. Sorry for being difficult.
If you think
about it, break up is a pretty apt description – the relationship was broken, shattered, split into pieces. So go ahead and say that!!! Or get all catholic about it and say you had your marriage annulled, since it was kind of under false pretenses anyway – not everyone was being honest about who he was. Sorry you’re in a mood lately, but don’t sweat it. I was in a mood today and I didn’t even get div… Ah I mean broken up, lately. All things considered, you’re doing really well.
aw, jase–we were BOTH in moods? I guess that just happens sometimes. And when pop asked me why I was grumpy, I was like: “I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I’m divorced.” He was like: “good point.” ha. And way to be general about saying not “everyone” was honest…:)
I’m sorry that yesterday was rough for you. I’m praying for you. And now I have “Breaking up is Hard to Do” running through my brain.
you know, I’ve heard of that song–but I don’t know it well enough to remember the melody…but I do agree with the sentiment!
In a bit of musical irony, it is a cheerful, 50′s doo-wop song with the title prominently repeated. Quite catchy. It later got remade in a lounge singer version in the … 70s?
thank you for that pop music history, Peaj!
Jess–if “being difficult” when Pop made his analogy is the meanest you get, wow—you ARE a really nice person. We could have missed your bad mood if you hadn’t told us. I think about now you can have your bad mood. You are usually so kind, sweet, and easy to live with—a moment of lapse is acceptable!
So sorry you have times like this.
thanks for the permission to be in a bad mood–but I’m thinking today is a new day and I slept better last night and there are lots of good tasks ahead for me to do-so maybe I can leave that bad mood to Tuesday…:)
Oh, Jessica, it sucks, it downright sucks.
and I love that God can somehow balance his omniscience with our free will… I don’t get it either, but that’s the mystery that makes Him, well, God… it makes me confident that while I might make dumb decisions on my own (really dumb, as I am one of those people with book smarts who seems to be totally lacking in common sense), there is One who can pick up the pieces, and somehow improve upon my situation. and that doesn’t suck at all.
yes, Emily. I forgot to mention that. The mystery of it all. How God does balance the choices we all make–and is somehow omniscient–and then continues to make life beautiful. I don’t understand it, but I do LOVE the mystery. which is another reason why I don’t want to be omniscient–the mystery would fall away, then. thanks for the reminder:)
You are so cute. And I agree. Say whatever you want. Tell people he was sucked up into an alien spaceship. Who cares? It’s really none of their business anyway. And the people who think it is probably also think it’s their business to tell you why they think what happened happened. Bleck.
bleck, indeed.
and I like the alien spaceship story–perhaps I will use it. Can you imagine me saying it with a totally straight face and then just moving on in the conversation, asking them how they’re doing, or something? hilarious.
Haha I would LOVE it if with a straight face Jessica said that he was sucked up into an alien spaceship.
Actually, Jessica, you should be like Joker in Dark Knight: “You know how I got these scars?” Just make up a new story each time.
ew, but does that mean I have to get scars first???
I think you already got them.
I pray today is a better day for you, dear Jess, and that you feel the wholeness and the oneness that you have with Him, knowing that NOTHING will ever separate you from His love. God bless you.
now that’s a true story:)
That’s fine. If that’s as difficult as you get…:)
I will try not to climb any higher on the scale of difficulty.;)
I was there Jess – if that’s moody, I’m the Pope
I like the ring of that. Pope Poplo.
yes, Jase–as a writer, you might have to hone in on that. (is it hone? the word suddenly looks very strange…)
and Michele, thanks for the grace!
Hey….if you ever want me to tell someone off for you when you’re grumpy and trying to be nice, just let me know…I’ve got LOTS of words in my vocabulary that could come in handy…and I’ve been telling people where to go and how to get there for like 15 years! You’re allowed to have a bad day my dear…and if it makes it easier, just tell people I nailed him with my car, dumped him in the trunk and ran it into a pond….cause that’s what *some* people might deserve(actually I’m sugar coating here, I can think of way more entertaining scenarios)…and it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve threatened to do that…
It’s not like I ever jumped a curb in my car after someone before..oh wait, perhaps I did But ya know, don’t ever mess with the people I care about -just sayin’ 
Noted for future referece: Do NOT mess with J9.
and yes, Jase: NOTED.
J-9…You. Crack. Me. Up.
(and I know you’re not even totally kidding).
Thank you–I know you care, my friend:)
Jess, you can call it whatever the heck you want. I mean it’s your life after all! I think the bad moods were in the air, because I was in one too!
Thanks, Elizabeth!
and yes, I’ve heard that about the bad moods from a few people…I wonder what it was, exactly, that was causing all of them?
I just heard about what happened not long ago (maybe a month)… just wanted you to know that I feel awful for everyone involved, most especially you and other people who didn’t do anything to deserve such an awful go of things! I was absolutely heartbroken when I heard… Seriously, our hearts go out to you! I would pray for two husbands to replace the one you lost (like getting a double portion instead of shame) but I don’t think I’m supposed to pray for that.
thanks, brian:) and yeah, after what has recently happened, I think I am gonna take a break from husbands for at least a while. And learning to trust one some day might be a bit of a task–I don’t think I could handle two!!!
Yeah, I hear you
… was thinking about how I would pray and the thought crossed my mind. Thought it might help lighten the mood 
Yep–totally get that–thanks!!:)