Sometimes I skip one day of blogging and my brother Jason thinks I must have died or something.
And sometimes I say something that makes perfect sense in the context of whatever it is I am talking about, but when isolated, it can sound pretty bad.
Or funny, depending upon how you look at it.
Like today, for instance.
When I was talking with Shane, telling him about a conversation I was recently party to with some friends. Basically one friend was asking another friend (who is straight, for the record) if he would engage in, uh…non-straight relations… in exchange for ten millions dollars. My friend thought about it for about half of a second before saying, Absolutely. It’s ten million dollars. Then the question was posed to another friend of mine–who again, happens to be straight–and she was like, Of course. TEN MILLION DOLLARS, FOOLS.
But when they asked me, I was all, Nope. Not now, not ever. I’ll get a job, thanks. Er, but not that job. And as I was recounting this to Shane, I was getting more and more passionate about it, telling him that God could provide for my needs without me having to get all sexy for it. And the more I got into it, the higher my voice raised, until I ended my diatribe by loudly pronouncing:
SHANE, I WILL NOT HAVE SEX FOR MONEY!!!
At which point Shane asked me if I could say it a little louder please, because the fishermen who were about ten feet away from us might not have been totally clear on what it was I was talking about.
But then again, considering the way I shouted it, they just might have been.
And can you imagine overhearing that statement, and that statement alone, between a girl and a guy just sitting and minding their business? After hearing something like that, suddenly their business just became a whole lot shadier, I suppose. Or maybe it’s his business that got shadier.
And hahahahaha, we laughed a long time about that one.
And we also laughed about how one of the guys who was fishing nearby yelled over to us, asking us what kind of sandwiches we were eating. Because, who does that? Who asks total strangers what kind of sandwiches they’re eating, like it’s their business? And it’s not that we minded telling this guy, but we just thought it was even funnier when he could barely believe that we weren’t eating something with shrooms in it.
In fact, we ran into him again a little later in the day and he asked us if we were sure those sandwiches didn’t have shrooms in them. Like we’d forgotten that they did last time he asked us, but now that we were high or something, Ohhhhh right–they did have shrooms in them, after all! I think it was really disappointing to him that they were simply filled with plain old peanut butter and nutella. Can’t please ‘em all, I guess.
Oh, and he also asked if I go to Avon Grove High School. Good one. And once he found out that I do not, he asked if I was a hair stylist.
Because I guess it has to be one or the other.
And for the record: No, I will NOT have sex for money; I stand by what I said.
This made me laugh out loud (and I haven’t spelled that out in a while). And YUM…peanut butter and nutella. I just had a nutella delight tonight. Cheers to good laughs and good food.
I know, Linds (ps my phone always wants me to call you Linda, but I continue being like, But why? That’s not her name…)! I laughed out loud too. A lot.
And a nutella delight?! That certainly seems to trump just a sandwich…what did this delight involve??
1) LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
2) NUTTELLA AND PEANUT BUTTER. Jessica Latshaw, you are my twin.
3) Maybe they asked which sandwich BECAUSE you told Shane you would not have sex for money so loudly. Like when in Harry Met Sally, when Billy Crystal’s mom said “I’ll have what she’s having” after Meg Ryan faked the orgasm in the diner. What a great movie.
4) I’m glad you won’t have sex for money. It’s nice to have friends with standards.
Hahaha Mandy, that’s a very good point!
And let’s have PB and nutella sandwiches together sometime, when our dear lord allows for it, of course. It’ll be just like our Mexican feast only this time we’ll know each other and oh yeah, it won’t be a Mexican feast at all.
That is so funny that you mentioned the Iphone’s willful stance that my name should be Linda!! Darby, Collin, and Jason were all laughing about that tonight, too. AND—the nutella delight was a grilled nutella, banana, and fluff sandwich. I think I gathered from your post about the weird banana incident at Friendly’s that you do not like bananas. BUT– perhaps you should know that grilling a nutella and fluff sandwich took it to another level of delicious; so, if you haven’t already tried grilling a nutella sandwich, I highly recommend that you do.
Yeah, I mean–you’re just so NOT a Linda. Though lindas are lovely people, to be sure. And that sandwich sounds amazing. You know, I’ve never been a big fan of the banana (haha), but I have had it with PB and honey before and kinda loved it. So your delight that you speak of could really be a hit with me–I’ll have to give it the old college try, as my pop would say.
I love that you shouted this out loud when people could hear you. It’s so perfect. But really, it should be more embarrassing for Shane than you – you set him up! It looks like he was asking you to do just that.
I know! Brilliant and totally unintentional!!! But that’s why he was like, Could you say that a little louder??? haha
it was hilarious.
thanks for being a good sport:)
I love Nutella!
Linds, your sandwich sounds delicious!
I second both those statements.
If you’re going to take a stand for something, it might as well be for not prostituting yourself, right? I think you’ve made a great choice!
And the sandwich sounds like a good choice to, though I’ve never had one. But I am a big fan of pretzels dipped in nutella.
Yes, Nina, I think that’s a great boundary to have too. Which is why I don’t mind announcing it…and mmmmm, I haven’t tried dipping pretzels in nutella, but that sounds amazing.
LOL. This is hilarious! Hopefully Shane was not too ashamed by your yelling.
And hey, I never considered that fishing is something that you would do while you were high, but it sounds like mushroom guy might have been. Or maybe he is a viral marketer for the ‘shroom industry.
or maybe he’s a secret agent for the FDA.
Oh Jessica – the things you get yourself into! I’m sure the fisherman’s question about your sandwich was just his polite way of saying “Are you all on drugs?”. Would you have non-straight relations for love, if not for money
wait–is that a question or a statement?
and haha about the fisherman’s question!!!
this is so funny!!!! i am so happy for moments like this for you..where things are just down right hysterical and you can’t help but laugh!!!! you deserve so many moments like this!!!!!
yes, downright hysterical is just what the doctor ordered sometimes, Sarah!!!
Well….THIS is a relief to know, Jess!
Yep, mom. You raised me right!!
It’s TEN million dollars! TEN, FOOLS!
Ten million for one night! Done and donner. I can buy plenty of therapy for ten mill! Hear that crazy oil sheiks? You hear me sick old royalty? Yeah dats rite! It’s me! New scandal y’all!
It’s only like 4 million after taxes. I mean, you would report the income, right?
And who’s fronting all that money, I’d what I wanna know…
Oh man. I can’t believe you outted yourself…!!!
double meaning to the concept of “outing” in that statement, jess….?
haha yep. I’m glad you caught that!