There are some things that are just plain good.
Like when my three year old nephew reminisces, saying things like, When I was young…Sorry buddy, but you’re not even four yet. Um, still young.
And when you take a nighttime walk and get past the florescent lights in the parking lot. Way past them, actually. And how the darkness, when it’s finally allowed to be, makes the stars show up that much brighter.
And how you feel bad and then you cry. And yes, I’m listing this with the things that are just plain good. Because crying is God’s way of saying that sadness does change things in the sense that all the sudden your face is all screwed up tight and wet with tears, but then your forehead smooths again, you wipe away your tears and find that it’s still you under there.
And then there are some things that are just plain bad.
Like when you visit some friends in their home and recognize their dishes as being the same as yours. Only then you remember: they’re not yours, not anymore. And so instead of remarking upon their good taste and saying something like great minds think alike, you say absolutely nothing at all. A sad, sad nothing that you try to rush past by suddenly looking at the way the sunlight streams through the windows and reaches you, and there’s something reassuring about being reached, I guess.
Or the way that you can try so hard to be positive that sometimes, by the end of the day, you’re exhausted from the sheer effort of it all. And it’s not that the effort isn’t worth it, it’s just you hear so much and the homework, it piles up. Make sure you process everything. Guard your heart. But don’t become impenetrable . Use this time as a sabbath. What are you gonna do to make money? And yes, it’s all different ways of saying we care! but it can feel like different ways of saying we want you to do this!
And hey, I’d want someone I love to do all that too, so it’s not even that I’m blaming anyone for it. It’s just that, I can feel overwhelmed by it. But I suppose there’s the danger of nobody saying anything ever and then leaving me to feel underwhelmed.
How bout just good old whelmed? I think I’d like that; I think I could deal with being whelmed, for a change.
Jess..that does sound overwhelming…you know i am reminded of something very special that some really good friends ( and they are some of your family:) have told their kids for a long time that their job is to be loved..and that they are loved because they were born..and i know you have things you need to do that are good..like guarding your heart etc. but i really hope that you can also just rest in the Love that God and all of the safe people around you have for you..that you can truly know that above all else, that you are so loved…and i pray that that love would give you the strength and energy that you need and that it would empower you to do all of the ” things” that need to be done in day to day life and in navigating through this crazy time..
sarah, that was so beautiful. thank you. I like that job very much–to be loved. Now if only I could answer that with a straight face when all the church ladies in the women’s bathroom ask me what I am gonna do next…I’ll just say, Oh. I’m gonna be loved…;-)
Sarah that was beautiful, amazingly written and so accurate. Jess I didn’t even have to comment did I, because Sarah said it all so eloquently! LOL Well I commented anyway!!!! Just wanted you to know I’m here, listening and reading!
JR-I’m glad you commented anyway! and I love that you are here, listening and reading–I miss you and I hope I get to see you soon…
You know what, maybe sometimes you should take a vacation from all your homework and just get REAADDDDDYYYYY TO RUUUMMMMMBBBLLLLEEEEEE!!!!
hahahaha. ALWAYS!!!!!
“I can feel overwhelmed by it.”
That’s what we call an UNDERSTATEMENT…right?!
When those ladies in the church bathroom (and, oh my, people!), ask you what’s next, you could just graciously tell them you are living one day at a time with the grace God has given for that day and when he has something more he will let you know in his time.
yep. I like that answer too!
Here’s hoping you can just feel whelmed today.
uh-huh! you and me, both.