I think that, as a general rule, one should stick to complimenting others, rather than simply commenting on others. Not that you have to hand out compliments like they’re food and you’re working at Cosco and oh good, it’s Friday or anything, but if you’re gonna say something at all, why not just give it that kind slant?
For instance, I met someone a bit ago. She was nice enough. But she said things to me to which I couldn’t honestly say thank you in return.
Like when she first looked at me she said, Wow. Your hair is really white. To which I replied, Okay. And then we moved past that little dead end of a conversation.
And then later, when I stood up, she said, Wow. I didn’t realize, but you are incredibly tall. I mean: incredibly. She used that word. The same one all of our Sunday school teachers used to describe Goliath’s height. Like I’m a giant among women. Like my particular chore is to unscrew and replace the light bulbs in the 12 foot tall floodlights out at the basketball court. And again, all I could say was, Oh. Alright.
So yeah, would it absolutely kill you to–if you’re gonna say anything at all–actually make it nice too?
And then the other day in the bathroom. At church. Which is a room I don’t particularly relish to begin with. Because you get so stuck in there. They get you at the sinks. Sure, you could flee before someone starts shooting out questions you’d rather not answer right now, but that would mean you didn’t wash your hands and do you really want that to be your legacy?
So yeah, I wash my hands.
Which is when a well-intentioned person told me, Well Drew must certainly be glad to have you back.
And see, Drew is a lot of things right now, but glad to have me back is not one of them. In fact, even if you isolated a couple of those things, you still wouldn’t get it right. Cause he’s not glad and he certainly doesn’t have me. And considering that I came back and ruined his party–well no, he wasn’t glad then and I don’t think that he’s glad now.
Though to be fair, I have not asked.
Call it a woman’s intuition, I suppose.
So I looked at the woman and just told her the truth.
And she was shocked. Of course she was. We had adopted two kittens from her not all that long ago. Most people who adopt cats don’t plan on anything other than staying together, right?
And to her credit, she did not ask who got the cats.
But she did say something else. Something that made me very upset. Because after I told her that Drew had made some terrible choices that ended our marriage, she said, Well it must be pretty hard not to when you have a wife who’s gone so much.
And I could have said some words that would have made the nearby soap very handy for a good mouth rinse, but I didn’t.
I simply said, That’s no excuse.
Or maybe she said it when she saw my eyes turn dark and noticed that my breathing had changed.
But whatever the case, we both agreed.
At least about the no excuse part.
And the reason that it struck such a chord with me is that honestly, I do sometimes feel guilty. About having been gone, I mean. And though we had always agreed that I should take the jobs that were offered to me, I still felt really sad to miss the part about living together all the time; I still lived for the time when I could come home.
Course, I hadn’t realized that he had stopped caring if I ever came home again.
I didn’t realize that I had been singing that particular song solo for some time by the time I did actually get to go home.
And the thing is, if I am lucky enough to fall in love again, I am pretty sure that I will not tour. And can you blame me? Cause though I will never say that my touring is what made all this mess come about, I just have this feeling that I’m not gonna be able to go again. Not when I know how much is at stake.
Not after all of this.
Well, this post was certainly long.
You are so funny, Jase!
hahahahah Jase, that’s soooo funny! Cause for just a second, I was like..Oh. But then I got it, lol!
Hahaha! Do you get it! I made a comment about it without complimenting it! Aren’t I hilarious!!
Okay, now that I have that out of my system, way to take me on a ride with this particular post. First I was laughing, then I was ruefully laughing, then I was upset, then angry, then sad for you.
Listen. Seriously, listen. Well, I’ll say more off-blog, but really there is a reason you take marriage vows. There is a reason there’s something called “faithfulness.” There are many things that are probably difficult about having your spouse away – but staying away from such awful decisions that ended your marriage certainly don’t need to be one of them. While many people may latch onto the “well, she was away” as a reason for this to happen, I believe very strongly that it had absolutely nothing to do with what happened. It’s a red herring. A smokescreen. A convenient excuse used for the purposes of manipulation.
I personally believe you being away on tour was a grace from God, considering how everything worked out. Because had you been home I think you’d have gotten even more tangled up – as in kids and all – and this would have still happened only been that much more painful and damaging.
So I’m tempted to walk into the women’s restroom right now and give that women an earful, and I understand you never wanting to tour again – but I know of other affairs where the spouse was right there all along and I’m 100% sure in this case that it had nothing to do with you being away. Nothing at all.
yeah, I hear you. I do. And all that IS true. I guess sometimes I just forget that. And sometimes what people think gets to me. And I’ve suspected that people think what that lady said, and then all the sudden it was confirmed. Though, I do realize that yes, this kinda thing happens with the spouse RIGHT THERE….And I think it is God’s grace that I was away on tour. For a lot of reasons that I won’t say right now.
I agree with Jase (his 3rd comment). There is more I would like to say that time will not presently allow, since I have to get ready for work, but, at the very least, I commend you for the grace and restraint you showed in your conversation with this woman who, however well-intentioned she may have been, clearly crossed a line and stepped blindly and ungraciously into territory she knew nothing about. There is NO excuse for what was done to you…NONE!
thanks, Kathie–I guess she was just really surprised since she had no idea about any of it at all…
This was percolating in me for much of the day. I decided to write it in my own blog. I don’t know if I am doing this correctly, but I included the link below.
http://www.kathiek.com/Below_the_Surface/Blog/Entries/2010/3/24_A_Precious_Commodity.html
It worked Kathie, bravo!
Kathie, you don’t agree that the post is long? Let’s debate this!
Wow. Jessica, I am so sorry. That is just so wong on so many levels.
Forget about the fact that this person has no idea what they are talking about and their assumptions are WAY off base… You are going through the most painful and difficult time in your life. That is just so MEAN to say something like that! Even if it were true (which it is not, at all) that would be a very hurtful and unhelpful thing to say. That is just cruel!
Thanks, Collin…and yeah, I think people just say dumb things sometimes without realizing what they are commenting on. You’re right–this has been the most painful and horrible time of my life–so maybe people could skip those kinds of comments, for my sake.
and ps thanks for making me laugh by saying: “that is just so WONG…”
Is Wong that guy that always makes the inappropriate and hurtful comments? Someone ought to talk to that guy.
and what’s he doing in the ladies bathroom, anyway???
I have a speech impediment that only manifests itself in type. It’s willy mean of you to mock me.
I apologize; I am so sowwy…
Huh. I felt my heart drop when I read that woman’s comment. I hope this statement comes out right, but my wry thought is along the lines of Who needs to go to counselors when you can rely on the Body to bring into the light every stupid thought you have and force you to deal with it? Though, yeah, bet you didn’t want to deal with it in just that time and place, and in that manner. I’m so sorry the brethren and sistern keep blindsiding you with stuff like that.
it’s okay. I mean–I think that I will just start using that tiny bathroom in the nursery. I really don’t like going into the women’s bathroom. And Jonathan told me about it and how it’s so small and for only one person and that sounds nice:)
That is a truly wondrous secret bathroom.
You know, marriage is hard. It can be hard at a distance, and it can be hard when two people are jammed together and always at each others’ throats. The solution when it is hard is to get help. You did this – when it was tough to be away, one thing you did (and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the only thing) was that you wrote about it and got people to write encouraging comments and to pray for you. Did he look for help to remain true? If not, then I don’t think that it matters in what particular way your marriage was hard.
yeah…you’re right about marriage being hard. It can be hard and then it can be over and when I got back I was ready to work cause I thought it would be the former; but it was the latter and there was nothing more I could do. And about him seeking help–no, he did not. Not for our marriage, anyway. And not that I am aware of.
PJ, this is a great insight – MARRIAGE IS HARD, whether you live together or need to get through a period where one is away. Whether you have lots of money or barely enough to survive. Whether you are healthy or sick. It’s still going to be hard. Again, that’s why you take vows to be faithful. We don’t generally take vows to do things that are easy or that we’d naturally do anyway (I have never, nor will I ever need to, take a vow to eat peanut butter.)
And no one is perfect is a marriage, ever. We all do things that aren’t so great sometimes in the context of the relationship. But does that ever give a hint of an acceptable excuse for what happened to Jessica? No, not at all.
Yeah, Jason said it more clearly than I did. Definitely no excuse.
PJ, you said it first and I’d had never said what I said if you hadn’t said what you’d said. It’s just a great bit of wisdom you doled out – “You think having your spouse away is hard? So is having your spouse here! This is going to take work, you know.”
It’s sad when people just jump to conclusions and judgment without any relationship with the person being judged.
Actually, I agree with Jase—the touring was a blessing because you are not as entangled as you could be. It’s a good thing to know the truth and be able to deal with it—truth on so many levels—and the situation brought out so many things that you weren’t aware of. It’s hard to make a good life decision unless you know the truth. You know the truth. You don’t ever have to regret the decision you have made.
As Jase says—-God’s GRACE.
yes, I wasn’t grateful to know the truth at all at first. I wanted to go on living in ignorance and having my life back. But that changed. I am SO GRATEFUL to know the reality and the situation and live in the light of that. It’s an amazing feeling to be lied to for a long time and suddenly know the truth.
I got a little furious reading this… is a little furious possible? probably not. I could wring some necks, actually. I don’t get it. I don’t get it. What is the matter with people?
I like what Jason said about manipulation, and I hate that you feel guilty, at all, in any way. And through this crap, you are still so graceful. It comes through.
thanks, emily. and since all things are possible, I suppose being a little furious is too:)
but yeah, I don’t really get people’s comments either. I mean, it’s not like I was like, So…do you think he made those choices because I was gone? Cause I have been like that, but I certainly asked that to people who are close to me–close to the situation–and understand everything that’s gone on. I don’t ask about that stuff in the bathroom at church…
wow..that is awful what that person said..i am so sorry..i agree with Jason too, that God had such grace in you being away..He was protecting you. He is going to keep protecting you and leading you onto more beautiful paths..love you..
thanks, sarah…I like thinking about it that way. That God was protecting me, having me on tour. That’s a good way to put it–thank you
Totally agree with all the supportive comments. Not to be overlooked, though, is your kind self-control in not unloading on the lady. I think she got your point and apparently agreed, and you didn’t blast her for being unthinking. Grace-ful of you, Jess.
It is so completely true that so many affairs happen right under the noses of the innocent spouses. And equally true that so many do NOT have affairs who are separated by distance because of jobs, military service, etc.
well, honestly, I’ve never unloaded on anyone before and I don’t think I’m about to start now…but thanks for saying something. and it would make a pretty interesting story if I DID unload, huh?
and yes, many marriages do survive distance, for whatever reason. and many marriages don’t survive when the spouses are living under the same roof. Good point.
I kind of would like to see you starting to just consistently unloading on people, at least for a week. If you’re going to start, please wait until a week where I’m back on the east coast.
alright. so then we’ll shoot for this summer. let the unloading begin…where to start, where to start????
Jessica,
I walked into the bathroom during that conversation. I wanted to formally introduce myself to you since we haven’t actually met yet. But good manners said not to interrupt. And my husband really neededs tissue. But the 30 or so seconds I was in there I caught the look on your face and I knew you were uncomfortable. Now I kinda wish I had “been rude” and interrupted and introduced myself and very possibly helping you out of a very awkward situation.
People often do not think before they speak so they do not edit what comes out of their mouth. A situation like yours should be approached with sensitivity and certainly not any snap judgements. Having read your blog about this, I am a bit angry at that woman for her being so..oh whats the word? INSENSITIVE to you. It is sad to me that christians are at times just as insensitive and judgemental to each other as the world is.
I do hope we can actually meet in person soon.
Richelle–how crazy that you walked in on this!! How funny…And boy, I am sorry that we still haven’t met in person–let’s do it soon. How bout this Sunday? I’ll be there and happy to say hi. Let’s just not do the intros in the bathroom, if you don’t mind…:-)
Jessica,
Sounds great! I will definitely be there because my kinship is having a mission meal and I am going to the Writer’s Kinship. LOL of course the service before that too. And asolutely no “bathroom” intros. LOL that made me giggle but I get your point.
it’s a date!
When I shared this bathroom incident with Lara, she was understandably angry, but she also pointed out that the spouses of military members who are stationed overseas don’t use that as an excuse to cheat! Drew knew who he married, and cannot use your touring as an excuse!!! There is NO excuse! And, I’ll be your bodyguard in the ladies room if you want me to
haha Michele–I know you got my back! But I am seriously gonna try to use that little secret bathroom, I can!
Well I feel as if I am just repeating sentiment said in other comments but maybe if we all say how angry we are at that comment and how untrue and terrible it was we can undo just a little bit of the hurt that it caused. Wedding vows don’t include in sickness and in health as long as you aren’t on tour. Wedding vows don’t say until death do us part OR until your back is turned and you can’t see what I am doing. There is no excuse for what Drew did and you have no blame in his actions. ( I know you technically know all that, but it can’t hurt to hear again)
The second thing is that while I understand why you might choose to not tour when you fall in love again (notice the When not If statement) you need to know that not all men are like Drew. I know that you didn’t have a lot of the conventional aspects of marriage (living all the time together) but with the right person you can find the balance of an unconventional marriage that works without the heartbreak. You are so talented and the right love will allow you to showcase that talent without the fear of heartbreak in whatever way you are supposed to do that.
Oh even after writing all of this, I am still so mad about that comment. (And this is my longest blog comment I have ever left, that is how upset that comment made me!!!)
Just looking at the comments posted here it seems that this post wins the award for inspiring the LONGEST comments from the readers. It’s like one essay after another.
“You are so talented and the right love will allow you to showcase that talent without the fear of heartbreak in whatever way you are supposed to do that.”
Wow, Jamie–that is just beautiful. and encouraging. Thank you for that, I really appreciate it so much…
ALL RIGHT, WHERE’S MANDY HORNBUCKLE?
hahaha, I know! It’s not like her to be so silent!
LOL! Oh wow. I didn’t realize I was so important to this comment section. I’m sorry!! I have been away, but I have returned. Don’t worry, Latshaws.
About this post. GAAAAHAHHHHHRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to punch that lady! And then I remember that she has kittens and was at church but still… AGGRRRRHA!!!!
That is NO EXCUSE. NO NO NO NO NO excuse.
Hi Jessica-
you probably don’t remember me, but I attended church with you about 10+years ago. I feel like a bit of an intruder jumping into your blog, but my daughter recommended it to me, and as I read it, I felt like I wanted to tell you a little about my experience, post-then.
Firstly I am so sorry you have had such heartbreak! What I remember about you and what you sound like now, is a sensitive, lovely, truly good person. Your strength is also evident. I am sorry you had the experience of feeling judged when you obviously did nothing to warrant it. That is the aspect that grabbed me about your account.
I will do my best to only tell the relevant parts of my story.
My 13 year long marriage came to an explosive and abrupt halt in 1998, one day after a rather large counseling session with your folks and several other people (reinforcements). I finally had decided to expose the abuse that had been occurring in my home for years, which I did, and BAM the next morning at home, I found myself being kicked from room to room. That was the last day I lived with my husband. Here’s really where my story begins. I found support for a time-but then I started making some bad decisions and began a relationship with another man right away–and the support went away. I can understand how it looked. Today, now, I can understand what went into my departure from sanity, but then–on the outside, I know it seemed like just that. A bad decision. Having lived through ten+ years on the other side, I can tell you that I was not a whole person, capable of making whole decisions. Thanks be to God, and with His help and patience, I found my way back. I needed treatment for depression and suicidality. I had been mentally and emotionally abused for long enough that, when my marriage disappeared literally overnight, I felt like a spec that had been shot out of a gun. I must have thought that this man was the only thing keeping me tethered to the ground. I really can’t tell you what my thought processes were exactly, except that there was a paralyzing fear. My daily companion for 13 years had been fear, but this was not “the devil I knew”. Anyways, what I can see now that I couldn’t then, is that not all sin, (and sin it was), is motivated by malice or evil, and that sometimes the sinner is where they are because of weakness or even illness. Not all, but the grand majority of church friends that I once had, disappeared. Only by the grace of God was I able to approach Him again, after a time, and understand that the rejection of his people was not a rejection by Him. Of course, I bore the consequences for my sin, but I also learned the depth of God’s love and commitment for me, and was granted strength where I once was weak and courage where I once was afraid. There is still sadness when I reach out to people who may have cast me in a role and they don’t respond well. But I hold no ill toward anyone, because I have been forgiven much.
I hope you will forgive my long windedness, and accept my prayer for you in this difficult season of your life. The judgment spoken to you was entirely wrong. The ones I experienced were correct in one sense, but I think perhaps not “right”. Still, I identify with you in the “sting” department.
All the best to you and your family-
Kelly
Well I’m late to the party, sorry. I just want to say that being married to Mandy (D not H
) I’ve learned a lot about guilt. She is so mindful of others, that she struggles with feeling guilt a lot. And what I say to her, I will say to you: Guilt is worthless. Really. It produces nothing, and it comes with ZERO grace.
When God wants to get our attention and change our behavior he works through conviction and even kindness, but not guilt. Guilt is the devil’s playground, opening the door to self-accusation, depression, regret, and even self-hatred.
So yeah. Don’t play there
You don’t deserve that at all.
noted.
I will try not to play there anymore.
It’s actually not even that fun, anyway:)
i know i am late to this conversation, but i am compelled to write a comment. mainly because i was just sitting here catching up on your blog, and when I got to this posting and read down to what the kitty-owning hand-washing woman said, I said out loud…to myself…no one here at all…”oh no she didn’t.” and I think my head might have been swiveling all around and I might have started snapping. It was unintentional..the snapping part. But really Jess?!?!? That’s too much to take!! You know what I think: I think people say that lousy crap because they want to assure themselves that it won’t happen to them. That sometimes those insensitive comments are not as much telling about YOU (jess) but THEMSELVES. I think she is walking in her own insecurity that something like that could happen to her, but it won’t because she’s not away on tour. Which is bs. As your other previous 40 blog followers commented. So sorry that I had to add in my 2 cents here, but that lady made me so mad!! OH and hand sanitizer. You can skip the sinks. which, by the way, I call “the wash and once over.” As in, that’s the place that some women think its totally acceptable to give me the ‘once over’ look as we wash our hands. So I use hand sanitizer instead. Or I try to splash them. Especially if they’re in suede jacket. Splish splash.
hahahaha Alicia, I love you for this comment. Okay, I love you for YOU, but this comment made me laugh. And the snapping–thank you for the snapping. But hand sanitizer. I need to remember that. And splashing the ladies in the suede jackets, too…:-)
i’m not proud of it, but i’ve also done the “carry my dripping hands over your very nice handbag sitting on the sink” to one particularly rude woman once. I can’t help it that the paper towels were all the way over THERE…….I’ve only done that once. And then I was scared she was gonna come git me so I ran my scared butt right back into the movie theatre.
oh my gosh, I think I need to hang out with you in bathrooms more often. that’s hilarious!!!