So, the day the awful truth that just about changed everything came out, my brother Jason’s response was to immediately buy a plane ticket and fly from CA to be here with me.
He showed up the next day.
He had something close to a mullet, but it was actually kind of a nice distraction from everything anyway.
That Wednesday night we talked. And talked and talked. We saw that great changing of the guards in the sky; the sun took over and we were still talking.
And sometimes I couldn’t talk. Because I was sobbing so hard. And there was nothing to do but breathe and wonder if anything would ever be good again. And it was in those moments that Jase would grab my hand and squeeze the center of it between his thumb and middle finger. He would squeeze so hard that it hurt, but I knew what he was doing.
And it hurt so much that it helped.
Because it was a good kind of pain for a change. It was the kind of small and focused pain to remind me that, despite how it felt, I wasn’t alone. And if I forgot that again, I only had to look for the source of this small pin-prick of hurt and see my brother right there with me.
He was truly my angel.
And yes, I have had a few angels over these past months. Many of them with the last name Latshaw, and a few of them not.
But when Sunshine, my sister-in-law, asked me to choreograph something new for her company to perform at the Delaware Dance Festival, I was suddenly inspired. I had been listening to Halo recently and had thought of Jase. I knew that the piece needed to be about pain and hurt and help and love; I also knew that it needed to be something about an angel.
So I found the name, Sariel, which means Angel of Guidance and it was like I recognized it, the whole meant-to-be factor was so strong.
The Delaware Dance Company performed it tonight and they did a great job. I actually got a little emotional while watching it, just ask my friend Christine.
Anyway, here is a little video of it. I hesitate to put it up here because when art is reduced to being put in a tiny box it’s never so good as it is when it’s live. But see, I really want my brother Jase to see it.
In fact, he never even knew about it cause it was kind of a surprise.
So, here’s Sariel. And it’s dedicated to Jase and how he squeezed my hand to life that night.
Oh, and the girl at the beginning has an ipod and headphones. She’s trying to escape into her own world. Then the angel person removes the headphones, shows her the music is still playing after all, and the world isn’t all bad either.
So, here’s another version. It’s closer cause it’s the tech rehearsal and I could get all up in there with my camera. Don’t feel pressure to watch both, but I couldn’t decide which to post, so here they both are, I guess.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Is there an emoticom for tears?
Well, as Bonnie Chavda would certainly say, “The sister of an angel is also an angel.” So right back at you.
That was beautiful. Really amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever had a cast of 40 people pay tribute to me! Thank you so much, and I”m honored that I got to be one of the people who helped you when you were dashed to the ground.
And what a surprise! How much willpower you must have to keep this a secret for so long. I’m very impressed.
I’m so glad to see that others’ evil actions haven’t squelched your spirit in the least. You are funneling so much into life and living and creativity. It’s inspiring to see.
I really love it. I hope it becomes a DDC standard so I can see it live some day. And I really love that song, so this was really really perfect.
PS. Did I see a pushup move in there in remembrance of my ill-fated pushups that Strider would push over?
And by the way, I’ll have you know this has replaced “it is finished” as my all time favorite dance. That is no easy feat.
haha yep to the push-up move.
And “the sister of an angel is also an angel” is hysterical. Bonnie Chavda would certainly agree with that sentiment.
And yes, I really hope you can see it live someday too:)
and no way, nothing can ever replace “it is finished!”
WOW Jess – even on the small screen, this piece is so powerful. Love it.
I am so glad you can give this gift to Jase since he has been such a gift to all of us the past few months. Where would we be without the glue that held the Latshaw family together? He has given so much to all of us. I miss Jase so much (but not the mullet!).
Yeah, do not be afraid, for my mullet will be with ye always.
unfortunately…
thanks, Jonathan!
I know, I miss him too..and yes, he’s like gorilla glue. Only human. So he’s human glue, but that sounds really weird.
Hey can you put both versions up online – the actual performance and the practice? Because I really like hearing the crowd response, too.
Oh, I wish I could see it, but it won’t let me…it says the video I requested is not available!
Kathie, it’s playing now!
yeah, it was down for a while-sorry!–but I fixed it and it’s working again:)
I’m so confused! Now it’s the performance one. But I just saw the rehearsal one! Can’t you just put both up?!
They’re like Clark Kent and Superman, never appearing at the same time. Maybe they are really just one video in disguise?
I just tried and it said the rehearsal one was unavailable–but you’ve seen the rehearsal one???
okay, put em both up. hopefully they’ll both work and prove your clark kent/superman theory wrong!
When you upload something to Youtube there is a lag time where they’re processing the video and it can’t be watched. Normally around 15 minutes. You just have to wait it out before you post it so others can see it.
Fantastic! You really have an amazing talent…for choreography, and also for dance! Keep it up, girlfriend!
thanks for watching it, Rachel!
Wpw, Jessica. That made me cry. And not just the eyes fill up with tears kind of thing, but…cry. So powerful, and a wonderful surprise for Jason, I’m sure. Everyone needs a good brother.
thanks, Nina. It makes me cry too…
This is beautiful, Jess. The story behind it and the dance. You are so blessed by your family.
I am so, so glad that you are having so many opportunities to create art during this time.
I am truly so blessed by my family, Anna–and thanks for watching and the kind words:) Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have the chance to make art now.
WOW…I was able to see both, thanks so much for sharing it with everyone, Jess…AMAZING!
What a powerful, moving, and beautiful tribute…more than that, what a testimony to the grace, power, lovingkindness, and faithfulness of God to bring you through this dark time to a place of hope, healing, and restoration.
Jess, I cannot thank you enough for being so transparent through all of this…for your humility, grace, and generosity of spirit…it is an honor and a privilege to witness. God bless you.
And Kathie, I cannot thank you enough for all the kind words and prayers and encouragement…seriously…:)
Beautiful! You truly captured the feeling of the story in the movements of the dance. I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this, yet I am in awe literally watching God make good!
Your story reminds me of the relationship that I have with my older brother…don’t know how I would have survived without him. I remember a time in High School when I had my heart shattered (though I would not even begin to compare it to your situation)…I remember my brother wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me hard enough to hurt while I sobbed. That painful embrace kept me grounded and through all the pain I could feel that someone loved me and that someone was refusing to lose me in the darkness…he literally held me together when I couldn’t. Your dance took me back to that moment and brought back a memory that meant so much to me…thank you! And please, keep working through your pain with your art, it makes God smile;)
wow–sarah. what a beautiful memory. thanks for sharing it and your brother is truly a special soul…:)
Jess!! Oh my. As soon as it started I began crying. From the first steps. Trying to contain myself so my roommate doesn’t think I’m having a baby or something.
Thank you. I really have no further words but if you could jump in my heart and swim around a bit then you could begin to know how this touched me. I love you so much Jess. 
xxoo
Erin, you are so sweet and gosh, I’d love to choreograph something for us to do together sometime. Or dance something that you’ve choreographed. Or hey, how about just see you at all? I miss you so much and love you…x0x0x0x
What an amazing dance! Wow!
BEAUTIFUL.
I just watched this again and it brought tears to my eyes again. Really, it’s such a beautiful dance and such a great way to pay tribute to Jason. I’m so glad that I went and saw it live because as good as it is recorded, live is always better. I was also pretty happy to see my name in this one because I’m usually a “friend” : ) And now with Jason doing his analysis of tags maybe I’ll make it in your tag cloud ; ) It’s a pretty competitive field though, so we’ll see.
Oh, wow. Just saw this for the first time and I was sobbing. It is perfect.