So my brother Jonathan has a new blog up and running.
I just read his post about a first that he recently experienced. And um, it’s one heck of a first, I’ve got to say.
Which reminds me of today.
As if I really need a reminder.
As if the email I got from outofyourlife.com isn’t enough. The one confirming that they did, indeed, receive the breakup box I sent them with all the jewelry that has lost its meaning. And oh yeah, it ends with this special piece of encouragement:
Who needs a honeymoon when you can have a fresh start?
And though the only thing that could have made that sentence better is if they had ended it with the word, Tiger–well, who indeed?
And hahaha, who writes this stuff anyway? To which, when I asked him, my friend replied (to this rhetorical question!), Well, you could! And yes, I certainly could. Dear God, but I could.
But I guess another answer to the question, Who writes this stuff anyway? could be: someone whose honeymoon must have really sucked. And actually? I could use a nice little trip to somewhere warm right about now. But yes, it’s true: I could also use a fresh start. No, actually I plan on using a fresh start. And I’m not totally clear on the details yet, but honestly, it’s good. And it’s wide open. And I think there are a lot of windows there.
Kind of like the room I dream of.
It’s got lots of space and doesn’t bother to crowd itself with anything other than music and words and people who love them both. Maybe even some dancing, too. Definitely some dancing. And there is wood, beautiful wooden floors that remind you of forests and how sometimes they lay down and let you walk on them and goodness, but we should be more grateful for this. And then there are large windows and they let in the kind of light that is kind, that illuminates the beauty; and that only allows the safest people to witness the parts of you that are the reason America spends so much money on lotions and creams and padding and things that suck you in. And yes, there’s a grand piano and yes, there’s a guitar made of treewood, and yes, there are many other instruments there because I have good friends who like to sing their stories, too.
And perhaps I will call it the Fresh Start Room. And I will sit in it and make my music and come under the spell of redemption over and over again and not once will I think, I wish I were at Sandals, enjoying a honeymoon with a man who doesn’t love me. Because that sounds a lot like looking at what isn’t and why would anyone waste any time doing that when, look: it’s just about springtime. If that isn’t God’s way of reminding all of us about a fresh start, then fine, I quit. Cause I don’t want to be in a dance that isn’t new again and again anyway; I might as well just watch tv.
Which is why I went and filed the papers today. For real. Signed and stamped and organized and copied and paid for by a check from my recently opened bank account.
And because my marriage has ended with a blow that Delaware kindly cloaks in the word misconduct, this will not take so long after all.
Two to three weeks.
For the state to recognize it’s over.
Although, really, it ended back in August. Well, that’s assuming that it ever really began. In a real way that takes two people, I mean. But yes, whatever it was, ended back in the late summer. It just took me a minute to realize. Okay, it took me a lot of minutes to realize. And added up, I think all those minutes spell H-E-L-L, at least compared to anything else I’ve ever experienced on earth.
And now I’m looking forward to these new minutes. I think they’ll be better. I think they’ll be full of grace. I think I’ll be okay. Dear God, may it be.
I am not GOD, as we all know, however J.R. thinks you will be more than OK! Time heals everything, and you are moving through time in the right direction.
thanks, JR. and that seems to be what my counselor thinks, too, thank God:)
“I think I’ll be okay. Dear God, may it be.”
That is a prayer God will happily, lovingly, assuredly answer above and beyond what you could hope or expect, Jess. I just know it.
Yes, I can’t remember exactly the moment when it happened, but somewhere along the way I started to believe that, too.
Jess..i agree..” dear God, may it be”…i have so much hope and expectation for the new things God is going to bring to pass in your life. i love you so much and just want to see God open up the heavens and pour out on you so many blessings..im praying for that for you..
I know you are and I appreciate you so much. Love you too.
Ooh, and I’m excited to hear you sing this sunday!
You are doing so awesome. I love that you are coming back to being the Jessica that I have always known was there. God is bringing you through the rain, and into the fresh start room, where there is no condensation, and sorrow. There is only hope, love, and lots of hugs from people that love you! I love you!
thanks so much, girl! Love you too–you are so so sweet!!
“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.”
I love your writing. I love your heart. I love your friendship. I just love you.
Also, um, Dallas is warm. I mean, high 60′s, which to me isn’t warm really but it’s definitely getting warmer. So. Fresh-starty-moon in Dallas isn’t quite Sandals but I have a guest room and little tiny toiletries for you to use in a freshly-painted guest bathroom. And a dog named Maggie who’s a little smaller than your dogs but you don’t have to sleep in her room. And, you know, we have fajitas. And I won’t make you eat beans or anything. Or olives.
Well, thank you–I love you too:) And your place sounds really nice…and yes, I’ll take 60 degrees right about now…Seriously, I would love to come visit. And a place without beans or olives is just about right, I think!
Well you know me, I make creepy stalkerish invitations but I always mean them. So any time you can come back down, we’d love to have you.
well, as long as you always mean those “creepy stalkerish invitations,” is what really matters…Hate when a creepy stalker doesn’t follow through!!!
Haha I know. That’s the main problem with creepy stalkers. Flakiness.
exactly. and that’s why you sometimes just can’t trust them. Not all the time, mind you, but definitely sometimes. *sigh*
I don’t know how I missed this post along the way, but I love your Fresh Start Room, and congratulations on having the strength to do what you did. Many women would have stayed in a loveless, painful situation putting up with things people should never put up with. You’ve really displayed such dignity, grace and strength and I think it’s only a matter of time before you’re given the keys to that Fresh Start Room.