You know, I’ve heard, If you weren’t married…But then the thought stopped there because, well, I was married and quite frankly wasn’t into exploring the whole arena of if anyway.

But now it’s not if.

Whoa.

It’s. Not. If.

And it kind of terrifies me, I guess.

See, I liked the certainty of marriage. Took the suspense out of things in a good way, you know? And while I was married, I never once wished that I wasn’t. I was happy to be totally unavailable while on tour–at least, romantically. I was content to skip the drama of a showmance, so to speak.

And it was something to lean on. Something, at least, that was settled. Who I was gonna marry, I mean, because I had already married him.

And now I am ridiculously back here, where I barely know a thing about what my tomorrows hold for me. I know none of us know exactly what the future looks like, but most can at least count on the fact that the person they married will be around to help them do their taxes come April 1st.

And sometimes I can see mystery and wonder in all these blank pages before me; but sometimes it just looks like a whole lot of work, filling in all those pages.

And I wonder if I am even reaching for the right color at all. And there are so many people who love me and tell me what colors to use and sometimes I am just tired and I decide that I’m gonna make this page green, so be it, and if you don’t like green, then you must not like the earth cause there’s a whole lot of green here so, honey, get used to it.

Ahem.

I remember a dear friend who I met on my first tour saying to me, Oh, I told my mom that I met the girl I want to marry…Only, I’m not sure her husband will approve…And we laughed together because no, my husband wouldn’t approve and there was no thought of anything between us ever because duh! I was irrevocably and happily married.

But little did I know that it was revocable.

And so here I am today, strangely available.

It’s funny, my brother Jonathan is quite fascinated by this new shift in my life. Don’t get me wrong, he’s also devastated and we’ve cried together about it, but Jonathan has always been a bit of a matchmaker. We were at the mall the other day and he leaned in really close to me, saying, Are you just always looking around for available guys? I mean, do you just have your eyes peeled?

I laughed because, no. I don’t always have my eyes peeled for guys to perhaps someday get to know. And I don’t think that I’d go looking at the mall if I did find myself with my eyes peeled.

And peeled.
What a gross way to describe your eyes.

But the weird thing is that someday, by God’s grace, there will be someone in my life. Firmly and wonderfully there. Happy to be there. And right now I haven’t the faintest idea who he might be.

And I know, this could be wonderful.
But sometimes this really sucks.