There are some things you just can’t keep secret.
Like the color of your eyes.
But a secret.
It’s powerful.
It’s the only key to a lock that’s otherwise fast.
And you can’t take it back.
So what do you do when you remember all the secrets that he knows? All the tiny cracks that, slowly, you allowed to crumble the wall known as Boundaries that generally exists between two people. Until you are known, fully known, and you’re mesmerized by it. Caught up in the closeness of it all; the way that he knows just how to wake you up in the morning perfectly. So perfectly, in fact, that you often feigned sleep when you heard him come home from work, just so that he would wake you up again.
But you can’t take it back.
You can’t take back the way that you were a garden enclosed. That when you’d let him in, there were no signs of breaking and entering; but by the time he left, the flowers had stopped blooming and the dandelions that had grown up in droves were a poor consolation prize.
But at least they were yellow, I guess.
And you try to make yourself feel better by saying that maybe he didn’t really know you because how could he walk away so resolutely after knowing you so intimately? But he did. He knew you because that’s all you knew to do: Let him in.
Let him invade your self until all of the facets of love–romance, sex, laughter, mystery, rolling out of bed in the morning with nothing but your honest self to present to each other–they were all synonymous with his name.
And you didn’t know how dangerous that could be.
And you’re grateful that life is a secret that continues to unfold and you feel a little safer each day because you’re not giving them away so easily anymore. And you’re certainly not giving them away to him.
But that is still a little surprising, I guess.
And still comes across in the details.
I guess it was during the final weeks of tour when I started getting into texting with multiple letttttttters for emphasis. Or when I was excited I’d do this!!!!!!!!! Or when I was confused, I’d be like????????? Cause sometimes one is just never enough.
And I’d let people know that I misssssss them!!!!!! And I’d ask them if they were readddddddddy tooooo rummmmmble??????? Well, really only to my brother, Jason. And when it was appropriate, of course.
But I guess Drew missed all that. I couldn’t text with my phone in Canada, but my brother Josh showed me how to do it through my gmail. So I excitedly sent out texts to my brothers, sister, mom, and Drew–but well, everyone but one responded. And no, it wasn’t my brothers, it wasn’t my mom, and it wasn’t my sister who didn’t respond. And the thing about the gmail texts is that, once you send three texts without a response, they won’t let you send any more. I guess they figure that whoever you’re sending them to just isn’t interested.
And yes, the irony isn’t lost on me.
And then once I got back…Well, we haven’t texted much other than business.
But I still let a few multiple question marks slip in.
Which is what prompted Drew to ask me, Why all the ???
And then I realized, it’s the beginning of him not knowing me so well anymore. The beginning of me not quite letting my personality be seen so clearly by him.
Cause you know, I am totally summed up in lots of !!!!!! and ????? and the way that I use tooooooo many letters in succession sometimes.
That’s a definite glimpse into my soul.
But in all seriousness, it struck me when he had to ask me about the way that I text. He never used to have to ask before; now he does.
That says something.
ew, let me be the first to comment on how “tiny cracks” is tagged. haha.
I’m slightly disturbed and baffled by the tag “romance sex.”
well I suppose that’s one kind of sex.
Here’s what makes me mad (on your behalf) in relation to this post: When we open ourselves up in vulnerability it is a privilege that the other person is allowed in. It is a sacred privilege. All those little things that make up “you” that you waited for so long to really share with someone – with ONE someone. It just makes me mad. When a person opens up like that, you have a responsibility (before God!) to honor that; to treat that with the utmost respect, dignity, and care. It’s like you giving someone a very fragile item that means the world to you – most important thing you’ve ever owned. And you tell this person – “I’ve never let ANYONE hold this before. You are the first and only! I saved it for someone special!” And then bam – this person throws it on the floor, shattering it.
You deserve SO much better Jess.
*nods in silent agreement…*
Nods in *screaming, jumping up and down and throwing things* agreement.
Since you’re throwing things, I’m just glad you are no longer holding that used tampon in a bag that you fished out of the Pacific Ocean.
This is a really interesting observation because while the big moments are easy to see, often life turns on the smaller, quieter moments and this is definitely one of them. While it’s the big moments that make it obvious and clear that things have changed, it’s the small moments and the choices made in them that actually lead to those changes being made in the first place. And I think you’re right, this is one of the first cycles of him not being a part of you anymore, and it’s tiny, and it seems insignificant, but it’s actually not.
It’s like your iphone was fully charged and now you see that it’s not, even though it’s only a space a few pixels wide that’s missing. You know it’s just a matter of time until that charge runs down.
Fortunately for you, you’ve been geting the energy you need from other sources, and you will continue to do so.
yeah, it’s also really interesting to get more Sad News and it’s not even that he’s NOT my first call–he’s not a call at all.
And finally…
LET’S GEEETTTT READDDDYYYY TO RUUUMMBBLLLLEEEE!!!
Sometimes you just got to lose your mind.
Yep. Eminem said it right when he told us all to “Lose yourself.”
and haha remember when I first texted you that and you were like, Uhhhhh. have you gone insane??? lol.
I don’t know what I am enjoying more, your post, or reading all the comments! Awesome!!!!
I agree, JR–I love to see what enfolds in the comments section:)
Totally agree, Jess. I love the way you notice a seemingly insignficant detail and extract genuine insight from it. That’s part of your writing gift that makes your observations memorable and meaningful to us your readers! Write that book! I encourage…
thanks, pop–and I know–all your encouragement is much appreciated!!!
It also makes me really mad that the gift that was thrown to the ground kind of keeps getting stomped on again.
well, I think the gift has at least been placed out of reach now…I think…
I read this beautiful, sad post last night and I have been thinking about it all morning. Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for my husband to leave me. My God-loving husband, like yours and Ellyn’s, could screw it all up, like yours and Ellyn’s did. Or I could. Or whatever. I’m not so naive to think that it all won’t crumble for me the way it did for my beautiful and amazing friends who could have never expected it.
But the danger of letting someone in… I hope someday you’ll decide it’s worth it again. Hopefully with someone who won’t screw it up this time. Because there are good parts to that, and you deserve those good parts.
“sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for my husband to leave me”
No No No No No No.
But I get that feeling, since both of those situations you referred to just scream THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER EVER HAPPEN.
But they did.
And that’s where the grace comes in, I guess–in the reality of the mess that’s around you. But you guys–you just keep being honest with each other, is one thing I can say. I wish I had known any of the things that had been hidden from me–that, at least, would have given me a fighting chance. It takes courage to be honest and real with another person–but it’s one of the most rewarding things in life, I think.
You rock:)