I’m wearing terrible socks.
I know most people come here to finally discover what kind of socks I am wearing, and I also know that I haven’t been as forthcoming with that information as you would have liked.
But now you know. They’re terrible. The kind that slips under your heels if you even walk with a bounce in your step.
So you can imagine what happens when I am at my church. Alone. Playing music and then deciding to record. And since I am alone, I have to press record at the back of the church and then run as fast as my two terribly socked feet can carry me to the keyboard on the stage, in the front of the church.
And by then, the socks are completely underneath my arches at a most unnatural angle. And since I have no time to fix them because the cd is running, I must play that way.
What’d I tell you? Terrible socks. I think we can all agree on that.
But tonight I was texting a friend, telling him some of the crazier thoughts that are running through my head these days. Thoughts that I would have flagged down as Total Imposters four months ago, but now? Now I’m tempted to let them warm themselves by the fire, maybe even share some of my crunchy peanut butter with them if we keep being so buddy-buddy like we’ve been.
Because I’m not as good at defining myself these days.
And sometimes the part of me that wants to be soothed and comforted feels stronger, well, than anything else at all.
And that’s when I scratch my head and squint, trying to make out just exactly who it is that I am. And then I give up. And I stick out my hand and introduce myself, I figure I might as well be polite to this person who’s just showed up uninvited.
And here’s the part where you all email my mom and ask her if I’ve seen a doctor who can give me drugs because, um, she’s talking about shaking hands with herself…So she’s either a really poor mime or she’s lost her marbles, and drugs might actually be appropriate for either scenario, really.
But I’m honest about my thoughts, so I’m told that’s something right there. Something to pat yourself on the back about at the end of the day. As if I care about patting myself on the back when sometimes I don’t even care to get up off of my back.
But I do, you know. I get up. I go to the gym. I write music. I talk to friends. I eat sandwiches. I read my Bible. I think and, God, I wouldn’t mind doing that a little less, actually. I text. I text like it’s my job. But not when I drive. Not usually, anyway. I’ve been really good about that until today, actually, when I totally forgot and texted a one word answer before I knew what I was doing and then I immediately thought about my friend Christian and how disappointed he would be and here I am confessing it and see? Honest.
*pats herself on the back*
That was sarcasm, you know.
I’m laying on my back right now. I’d rather not move to pat it, if that’s okay.
But tonight I was sad and I was texting and then I was crying too and then I was looking around at the landscape of my life and wondering what the heck happened to it all.
And that’s when I wrote this song.
It’s about my weakness because I am weak right now.
And if it takes a village to raise a child, I can only imagine what it takes to raise someone from the dead; but whatever it takes, I have it. Because you know what? I am not dead. And the people who made sure of that are a big part of that Whatever It Takes and you know who you are.
But here’s the song that came out of tonight and it’s not perfect and if you really hate it, blame it on those terrible socks I was wearing while recording it.
i hate those kind of socks!!!! i can see you running as fast as you can in the church….and it cracks me up! all to just be uncomfortable and most likely also a little cold while trying to play your music. i find humor in the strangest places.
We are in this with you for the long haul, bad socks and all. I don’t know how long this road will be, but we know, by God’s grace, how to walk down a difficult road until we get to the end and find a new road.
Listen…you need good socks to walk this road: let’s go to the Gap and get you some new socks! It won’t make everything OK, but new socks do help.
You know I love your new song.
thanks, mom! and I will never turn down an offer of new socks…
i remember you saying once that your feet are always cold and i was gonna tell you to try smartwool socks, they are the only kind i wear now…and they aren’t itchy like they might sound…this is their website but you can get their socks at many places… https://www.smartwool.com/default.cfm#/Womens/Socks/
well, my feet are quite extreme. They are either cold or hot, it seems…but these smartwool socks–they sound like a great investment. Thanks!
they shouldn’t make your feet too hot either, they regulate the temp pretty well, that’s why they’re smart :p
I like smart
I think it’s funny that there is a new song and everyone is talking about socks. I love the new song too! And I do hate terrible socks. They are even worse when you’re wearing shoes and they fall down into the shoe and you can’t reach them to pull them back up.
Ok…I am loving reading your posts!
I had to get in on the comment action..especially since I was just hysterically laughing about the terrible socks! So funny! So first..thanks for the laugh. I sooo know that terrible sock feeling..I think I had to pull over one time to remove the terrible socks. Could not stand them for one more second! Also..LOVE the song. It’s awesome…your sweet spirit shines through!
pull over! that’s totally something I would do!! Sock displacement is serious business
Love the song, Jess!
hey–thanks!!
beautiful song!!!!!
thanks so much, Sarah! I can’t wait to hear yours!!!
Can’t hear the song at home (I will try at work), but hope you know I’m praying for this journey you are on and this discovery of new parts of Jessica – good, strong, healthy, overcoming, victorious parts!
and hopefully no parts that are subject to terrible socks anymore…fingers crossed…!!!
Jess your song is really beautiful!
Jess – love it. Really nice song. It’s amazing to me how hope and despair can grow up right next to each other.
Also – I will forgive you, just this once, for texting. But don’t let me catch you confessing to anymore texting while driving. And who knows? If you aren’t careful, you might accidentally hit a fox and a cat!!
I know! I felt so bad after I did it!!! And I had been so good up until then!!! UGH. I’m back on the wagon now, though, Christian–I promise!
That’s good – wagons are much safer to text from than cars.
yeah. it takes me a little longer to get places, now that I’m Amish and all, but it’s totally worth it.
Jess, I have been wanting to knit you something nice since I knew of the heartache in your life, and well- today I decided that it will be socks. I spent one day traveling to New Orleans with bad socks- and that was one day longer than anyone should have to wear socks like that. It may take me a while- but a pair of hand knit socks will be yours!
Off to listen to your song- I just wanted to declare my sock intentions!
I love the song, Jess. And your vocal range. Your piano work is superb too.
why, thank you, Milk Fairy.