I feel like my life is in stop time.
Only the instrument that solos while the world stops around me is Pain. And I hate the sound of it almost as much as I hate the feel of it, but there it is anyway. Playing its heart out. Sometimes even making me sing along when I don’t feel like singing. When my throat is closed and it’s all I can do to try to not look like I’m crying, at least.
But here I am singing this overwhelming song and every other instrument in my orchestra has not only stopped playing, they’re gone. And as I look around me I am terrified by the darkness and the profound sense that it is as I feared.
That I am alone.
I don’t even know how to write something that describes this. And I don’t know how to be okay. And what I really don’t know is how, even if by some broken rule of Time I’m given all the days that ever were and all the days that will ever be, I will be mended. I keep trying to remind God that I can’t do this, but as always He only seems to answer with the stars and the silent moon and the morning that comes just like nothing has changed.
He doesn’t seem to understand that everything has changed.
And, I know. This is no small thing to him. But that is hard to understand since in his hand he also holds things like oceans and Haiti and the decisions that world leaders make. Still, he has ascribed worth to my heart. And he sees something like gold in me, but even better, I guess; and like the U.S. treasury, he slaps a bill over me. Just like how back when the Pony Express carried your mail, a $100 bill meant that you had that much treasure stored away, probably in bullion, he’s got this bill over me that says worthwhile.
Only worth much much more than his while. Worth the pain and suffering of Jesus and a life lived perfectly in order to capture me perfectly and now I’m preaching but I don’t mean to be…I mean to be surviving. And don’t think I’m even doing it so great. Most nights I stay up playing solitaire because the numbers and the cards don’t hurt me so much and the way they they fit into each other, the way they make some sense when the hand is right, makes me feel better. And I’ve gotten so fast with card spotting that when I play solitaire, there’s not much room for anything else inside. So, yeah.
But I know solitaire isn’t going to save my life, as much as it makes me happy to see that I beat my high score every once in a while. I know that I need to cradle my soul, tell myself not to give up so soon. I need to remember what Anne Lamott quotes Wendell Berry as saying in her book,
It gets darker and darker and then Jesus is born.
And I don’t even want to write the words, but it’s something about darker and how much more so it could possibly get which is my way of saying okay, then. Let’s see Him.
I can totally relate to the Solitaire playing, when I’m stressed and so many things seem out of control and huge and looming and beyond my efforts, I love to play either this soccer game on the Wii called Mario Strikers or this world domination strategy game called Civilization. In both of them, I’m very good (I play the Mario game online and I saw without too much bragging that I am one of the top 100 players in the world) and there are clear rules and it’s just kind of calming to have so much control over every little detail and have things work out exactly right.
Both of them also have the “brainless” aspect going for them to the extent that I can think about and work out other things while playing them, whether it be a story problem or a life problem or just rehashing something that’s bothering me.
I’m really sorry the pain is so real and ever-present. But I also believe this probably in the long run makes you fortunate, all this pain. It’s the top students who are often challenged the most, the top athletes who are made to run the most, and – I think – extraordinary people who are piled under so much pain and expected to emerge, stronger and better for it. I know this pain will be both engine and fuel for you for a future that wouldn’t be possible otherwise, and I know you’re up to being totally sure this pain is used for good and not bitterness and bad.
I get the game thing. I play Hollywood Jumble because as trivial as it is, it gives me a great deal of satisfaction to be able in some small way to make sense out of something that is all mixed up. I play Mahjongg (a lot) because it is gratifying to be able to match all the tiles and win the game in less than 5 minutes. And if I am unable to solve any game I can play it over and over again until I get it right.
It’s good and right that I cannot solve everything and make it go my way in life, because I am certainly not wise enough to know and do what is best for everyone in every situation, but when hard things keep happening and show no sign of letting up and there are no easy answers…no answers of any kind…it somehow helps to have some small measure of success. Even if it is just a game.
i am so sorry that you are in pain. i hate when pain feels so tangible..i am praying for you to feel God close, although you feel alone..that He would send you more and more signs of Hope in the midst of this tragedy. i really have no idea how He does it, but i have seen Him bring good out of horrible things..and i know He has good for you..so much good. and i know that HIs power is made perfect in your feelings of weakness..i know He can mend your broken heart and i know that He is so close to your heart..im praying for you and love you..
Hi Jessica, My heart goes out to you. I have wanted to write you but I feel
that I haven’t have the words. Just the feeling in my heart. I do deeply
feel for you, and I grieve that you are going through this. I also played
solitaire, among other card games for hours some times. I don’t know why
it helped, but it did. love Louise
“In My Solitude” is a Duke Ellington Song, that I play with a glass of wine, when I’m feeling like you do! I don’t suggest you try it, cause it sometimes will make you feel worse. As you know Our God is an Awesome GOD! You will be fine, Jess, you are so beautiful and strong! The pain like the pain in your rib, will go away! It always does! I can’t wait for that day for you! I’m glad you have writing, cards, mom, dad, close family, singing, performing, auditions, and amazing friends!
“This Too Shall Pass”
suggestion: I’m reading Deepa Chopra : Reinventing The Body Ressurecting The Soul!
I love Anne Lamott, and I’m reading the book where she shares that quote and it really struck me too. In those darkest places, we can’t conceive of the light…but that doesn’t mean it won’t turn on at some point, right?
I want to say right, but I guess I’ll just have to let you know.